Last time on Mobilis Divers: Chris and Noelle accepted the reality that there is no Perfect Place. They started to see some obstacles on the road ahead but remembered that even though living their dream might not be easy, the adventure will be worth it.
Four weeks from today, Chris will be in Utah. And not a moment too soon. It’s been a really hard week for us. Our sweet little kitty passed away in a heartbreaking accident a few days ago and it’s been impossibly difficult for me to deal with on my own. It’s been awful and shocking and insanely painful. He was my constant companion and playmate for the last couple of years. I miss him terribly. All I want to do was put my head on Chris’ shoulder and cry on the couch. Instead, we are forced to sit face to face, a glass wall between us, trying to console each other with words at a time where there aren’t any that matter at all. We do the best we can, but Skype hugs just aren’t the same as real hugs, and the distance has felt all too real.
I’ve seriously contemplated packing up my stuff, getting on a plane and fleeing from the constant reminders of my beautiful kitten that are still scattered around the house. But it’s better, I guess, to be in a place where we were together every day and where I loved him endlessly as I come to terms with my new reality. It’s still too raw for me to work through right now, and, to be honest, I am not particularly interested in getting over it at the moment. Getting over it feels like letting him slip from my memory, and that is my biggest fear of all. All I want to do is cry in the shower and hug his toys as if touching something he touched will let me feel him again.
It’s ironic really, I came home to heal. I came home to be surrounded by family and friends, to bask in their love and affection, to feel the joy of belonging, to regroup, recover and get ready for the next adventure. I did not expect to experience a fresh new pain. I suppose, though, there is no better place to be when you find yourself in the midst of a profound loss. My parents have been deeply comforting, allowing me to be messy and raw and snotty as much as I need to. My friends have surrounded me with love, consolation, kindness and photos of their babies being adorable to distract me, even if it’s just for a moment.
A couple of weeks ago, I was reminded of one of Carl Sagan’s philosophies: living creatures are made of the same matter as the universe and are, therefore, the cosmos way of experiencing itself. There’s no soul I know who took this purpose to heart more than my cat. The world was his playground and everything was his toy. He scratched every tree, chased every bird, watched every squirrel, basked in every ray of sun. If there was something to climb, he climbed it. If there was a door he could open, he opened it. If there was a yoga mat to shred, he shredded it. He lived so fully, so presently, all day every day. And he lapped up joy wherever he could find it, whether it was on a sun-drenched bed or in a cuddle under the blankets.
Although I don’t feel up to it right this moment – and I don’t think I will for a while – the only way I feel I can truly honor his spirit and the joy he brought to my life is to try to live like he did. To embody his constant playfulness. To embrace his shameless indulgence in life’s smallest pleasures. To be cautious but brave. To be curious and experimental. To be endlessly sweet and comforting. To be choosy about who I love, but to love the ones I do with all I’ve got. And to live every day with the sole purpose of experiencing the world as deeply and thoroughly as I can in the time I have.
HG Wells once said, “Losing your way on a journey is unfortunate. But losing your reason for the journey is a fate more cruel.” I came here to heal and get ready for our next adventure. It’s awful that I’ve had to take a step back in that process to grieve the loss of a companion I loved so deeply. But Chris will be here soon and we have all kinds of adventures planned. And this fall, I will quit my job and move across the world to explore a new country, meet new friends, hike up new mountains and dive into new waters. Along the way, I’ll be sure to roll in the grass, splash in the puddles and bask in the rays of sun, because that’s what my sweet kitty would have done.
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